i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
