We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
