Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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