she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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