Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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