Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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