a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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