i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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