Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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