Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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