Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
