I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
