Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
