god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
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