I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
