theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
