so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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