Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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