today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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