my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
