I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
