im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Where is the hickey?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
