I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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