It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Actions speak louder than pants.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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