I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
