Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
