Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
