sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
