Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
