these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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