I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
