Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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