mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
