I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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