i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
