it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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