i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
