Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I want you more than these girls want KFC
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can I color on your dick again?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
