This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
