I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
