I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
