I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize