So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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