Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
