Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
