my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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