and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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