During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
