My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
