Just fell off a train. Bad.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
