He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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