Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
