It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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