My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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