So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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