Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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