watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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